So, there we were. In Florida. Looking for adventure. "Hey!" I said (which I am famous for saying). "Why don't we go to the beach? I'm a rufty tufty Pirate fellow, and I long for the salty sea air!"
So, since I had such a good idea that Leesie Girl and Her Family immediately agreed and told me all about how smart and praiseworthy I am, we jumped into the car and drove off to Cocoa Beach. "Great!" I think, for, after several days on dry land, I'm a-longin' for the roll and swell of the waves. "Let's find ourselves a stout ship, and sail away, seeking treasures, pearls, and other marks of pirate plunder!"
Now, everyone had abandoned me, and so I explored my little lump of land. It didn't take long to exhaust it's possibilities. Aside from shells and some beach bums trying to sell over-priced trinkets (those guys were regular PIRATES, I tell you, and not the good kind, either!), there was nothing to interest a Monkey of the Sea. "Harumph!" I cried to the heavens! "Oh Pishaw!" I yelled to Poseidon! This was a situation that required my intervention, and fast! Otherwise, Miguel-san would soak in the sun, Angel would eye the boys, and Leesie Girl would swallow the salt water all day.
They needed me to rescue them.
Good thing I was there.
"Hey!" I cried, which I am famous for crying, "Whaddya doin'!? Ya lousy bum, we were supposed to get a sea-worthy queen and sail across the waves to make our dreams of untold riches into reality! Get up! Find me a stout vessel, a sea worthy ship of handsome design! Do this for me, and I will not kick sand in your face!"
So he stood up, brushed the sand from his front, and laughed as he patted my head.
"No, really!" I cried. "All your dreams will come true!"
"I dunno," he answered. "I got some big dreams."
"Just get the ship!" I commanded, and off he went. Guess he knows what's good for him.
Meanwhile, Leesie Girl was floating in the waves like a big white piece of driftwood, and believe it or not, it was harder to get her out of the waves than it was to get Angel to stop flirting with the boys. I tell you!
All it took was the possibility of embarrassment that my presence suggested to break Angel away from the boys. Besides, she's no dummy; money for little toil strikes her as a really worthy idea. Leesie, however, suddenly turned deaf! There I stood on the shore, shouting and shouting "Hey!" which I am famous for shouting, "Hey! Hey!"
But nothing. No response whatsoever. Now, I started to worry; where was my little Leesie?? I ran up and down the shore. Got lots of sand in my boots. All to no avail! She wasn't to be found! I was frantic!
So I ran over to Miguel-san, who, rather for the best as it turns out, hadn't yet managed to drag himself off on the quest for the ship. "Hey!" I squeaked, which I am famous for squeaking, "Leesie is lost! I can't find her! I called and called and she didn't come out! Maybe a shark got her! Maybe she turned into a mermaid and can't come out! Maybe an octopus like the ones in the Ed Wood movies got her! Help! Help!"
"Oh No!" cried Miguel-san! "Not the Ed Wood Octopus!"
And off he splashed.
It seemed like hours passed, but at last, he came out again, dragging Leesie Girl behind him.
"Where were you!?" I yelled.
She didn't answer.
"Don't mind her," said Miguel-san. "She's in a state of bliss. On her way to Nirvana. The waves rolled her right out of her mind."
"Sit her down," I said, "and seek ye the ship. I will bring her back to reality."
So Miguel-san went off. "Angel," I said, "help me with your mother. She is batty."
Angel looked at me and shrugged. "What's new about that?"
I knew that I'd just have to take care of the problem myself. How can I get her out of this funk? It was getting late, and I hadn't found any treasure yet! I tell you, it's tough when you are trying to rule the world.
Rule the world... rule the world... That's it! I'll give her a job to do! So I exclaimed, "Hey!" which I am famous for exclaiming, "Leesie! Find me an anchor so that we can stop the ship!"
Immediately she snapped out of it. "Why, of course!" she cooed, "Anything for my little Sock Monkey!"
Yeah, respect! That's what I got!
Away she went.
Then I looked at Angel. "Angel! Go help your mother outfit my ship! Don't come back until you find something!"
She rolled her eyes and trailed after Leesie Girl.
Sitting there, remembering my glory days of piracy and dreaming of the thrills to come, I began to be a little nervous. While every crew I ever faced upon the sea always trembled before my might in the past, mean old sea monsters rarely were affected by my fearsome demeanor. Maybe we needed something to protect us from all the krakens out there, and the sea serpents, and the giant Ed Wood monsters.
Those things are real, you know. For true! You can't fake that.
So, off I went. I knew there had to be weaponry worthy of the APU certification out there somewhere.
Yes! APU! What do you mean, you have never heard of the Associated Piracy Underwriters? You've heard of Underwriters Lab, right??? Same thing. Always look for the skull and crossbones stamp of approval. Looking for the Pirate's Union label, too, when you are buying a schooner, flintlock, or cannon.
So, anyway, in time we all met up together.
Leesie Girl showed me a way cool anchor, very nice. "Excellent job, dearest!" I said. "I commend you! A Fine Job!"
Angel showed me a net, a fine fishing net, needed to snare the denizens of the deep, and render them into dinner. "Excellent well!" I said, "It's truly a fine net." She beamed with happiness upon hearing my words of praise.
And so we loaded up the ship and we headed out to sea. Water, that is. Big Pond. The Ocean.
And as soon as we were away from land, the waves began to roll. And the thunder began to rumble. And I swear I thought we were heading for the Bermuda Triangle. Or maybe it was an episode of the X-Files. I dunno. Leesie Girl is a redhead, after all, and I always said I look a little like Fox Mulder. It could happen.
Who am I kidding? I look better than Fox Mulder.
So anyway, it was sounding like it was going to storm, and I was wondering how my tiny crew was going to survive this fateful trip. Good thing the mate was a mighty sailor man, and the Skipper brave and sure.
And then, there was this.... music.
Songs of the Sirens! Exotic melodies... lulled us into a trance.... and the next thing we knew, we'd crashed into an island!!!
Being dark, and being pelted by the unrelenting elements we left the ship run aground and found shelter in one of the many caves that littered the coast. As luck would have it, this cave was the holding ground of naughty pirate Snotty Foot's treasure!
Yes, that's right, Snotty Foot, the evil nemesis of Poopie the Pirate! Yes, me, Poopie the Pirate, Hero and Friend to Children Everywhere!
And, of course, the Evil Snotty Foot had his treasure barred up! Locked Away! Poor Poopie the Pirate, not having any C4, could only gaze in a slightly envious way upon the treasure of the evil Snotty Foot!
But, as luck would have it (this sock monkey has got lots of luck!), the Evil Snotty Foot's captured and unwilling Bride, Pirate Princess Whattarac, wandered by and immediately fell in love with me. Can't blame her, although Leesie Girl wasn't too happy about it. I am so charming and debonair, how could the poor Princess help it?
To make a long story short, Pirate Princess Whattarac whipped out the keys and gave us the treasure!! So we grabbed the treasure chest and threw it into our ship! And we cast off into the brisk and bounding waves!
Well, we sailed and sailed, trying to find the mainland. Things were tough, and we were almost out of potato chips. And the ship was starting to get a bit messy, to say the least. Ever live with a teenager?
So Leesie Girl, in a moment of mom-ness, yelled out, "Angel! You clean this ship! I want to see this ship spic and span! Ship shape, not Angel's bedroom shape!"
That was a moment when I am sure Angel wished Leesie Girl was still in her wave induced Nirvana. But that was weeks ago at this point.
Angel grumbled and mumbled and cursed under her breath. She decided the best course of action would be to clean the ship by throwing the garbage over the side. Now, of course, all this garbage dumping began to attract some of the nastier aspects of the ocean.
All of the sudden, I heard someone yell "Sharks!!!" And yep, there we were, circling around and around.
Then he noted Angel, staring over the side of the boat, transfixed in terror. "Now THERE is something good to chomp on! Litterbug Stew!" said the shark And he lunged right at her!
"Hey!" I bellowed, which I am famous for bellowing, "I'll save you!" So I jumped upon the poop deck, which, of course, I am famous for, as they call it the poop deck after me, don't you know, intending to skewer the shark with a harpoon. But before I could make any real progress, Angel grabbed me and threw me down the shark's throat!
I thought I heard her say something about "Better you than me!" but I can't be sure. I was halfway to the shark's gullet by then. Alas, this is the story of my life, always paying for somebody else's mistakes!
Looks like this is the end, right? This would, after all, fluster most. But not me! I'm always thinking!
So, on the way down, I twisted about, grabbed the shark's intestines, and wound them round and round and round! Just tied that shark's insides into a knot! And, being a sailor, I know LOTS of knots! Now, that shark was so upset and so sick to his tummy that he just gave up the ghost, went belly up, and floated to the surface.
Now, of course, Angel being the person that she is, said, "Wow! Look, I Killed The Shark!!!" And she took all the credit, and strung the shark up, and when we got back to land had lots of reporters taking her picture with the shark so that the newspapers could caption it as "Tourist Girl Saves Family; sock monkey drowned at sea."
And all the townspeople trembled before me. "It wasn't the kid that got him, it was Monkey that killed the beast!"
And the townspeople rattled so hard before my fierceness that all the money they had shook out of their pockets and into a pile conveniently near my treasure chest. Amazing how that happens. So I got me a treasure chest, and new sharkskin boots, and cameras and tourist money, and breakfast cereals.
Next Episode: Poopie the Pirate gets himself
a bigger, better, faster ship.